Scares

So this week my period didn't come. At first I put it up to my body's fucked up-ness, and the fact that my period had started earlier last time.

Five days later, still no period. I was freaking out a little, so today I took a pregnancy test. Negative, thankfully. I'm in college, and poor. I can't handle a baby right now. And my boyfriend would be devastated. But there's a little part of me that kind of wishes I was pregnant. I don't actively want to have a child right now, I want to give my future children the best life they can have, and to do that I need to finish college and save up money. But part of me still wants to see those two little pink lines pop up. The part of me that's always wanted desperately to be a mother, and the part of me that's so terrified I will never get to experience that, since I have PCOS. I'm so scared to be one of those who has to try and try and try to get pregnant, and then miscarries. Those scenarios come straight from my nightmares. I'm still far too young, barely an adult, but I still worry. The future scares me. I just want to not have to worry about things like that, I just want to feel like I'm a "normal" person. I feel so awful reading other women's blogs about their difficulties getting pregnant and staying pregnant, I feel so bad for them. I can't imagine what they're going through, but I feel deep down in my heart that it will happen to me whenever I decide to start trying to conceive. I probably shouldn't read so many baby blogs, actually.