Sit and Wonder

I am sitting here, finishing up my studying for my Anatomy Lab midterm and I wonder how I will feel about my future job once I actually begin it. I have no idea if I am able to handle the stresses of being a nurse. I don't know how I will cope. I believe that I can cope, I think that I can work through my problems and feelings. I view it all as a challenge, something for me to conquer, something that I want to do in order to be happy and have a good life. But what is a good life? I want to be a mother eventually too and I would love to be a stay at home mom but right now I don't see that happening, ever, and that makes me kind of sad. I worry I won't enjoy my job, but then, why does it matter? If I don't like it, I could just get another degree or get some type of desk job in Health Care with the degree I'm going to get. If being a nurse doesn't work out, I've realized that's okay. It doesn't make me a failure, it just makes me different. It just means that nursing is not the job for me, but there's a million other types of jobs out there. If it doesn't work out, I'm confident I will find something I love. I think, though, that I will love nursing, I know it will be difficult, but it'll be just as rewarding as it is difficult.

Scares

So this week my period didn't come. At first I put it up to my body's fucked up-ness, and the fact that my period had started earlier last time.

Five days later, still no period. I was freaking out a little, so today I took a pregnancy test. Negative, thankfully. I'm in college, and poor. I can't handle a baby right now. And my boyfriend would be devastated. But there's a little part of me that kind of wishes I was pregnant. I don't actively want to have a child right now, I want to give my future children the best life they can have, and to do that I need to finish college and save up money. But part of me still wants to see those two little pink lines pop up. The part of me that's always wanted desperately to be a mother, and the part of me that's so terrified I will never get to experience that, since I have PCOS. I'm so scared to be one of those who has to try and try and try to get pregnant, and then miscarries. Those scenarios come straight from my nightmares. I'm still far too young, barely an adult, but I still worry. The future scares me. I just want to not have to worry about things like that, I just want to feel like I'm a "normal" person. I feel so awful reading other women's blogs about their difficulties getting pregnant and staying pregnant, I feel so bad for them. I can't imagine what they're going through, but I feel deep down in my heart that it will happen to me whenever I decide to start trying to conceive. I probably shouldn't read so many baby blogs, actually.